I am married to a frugal man. He prefers the term "a good steward of money", but that's like calling a virgin "a good steward of sex" - neither one's going to be giving it up any time soon. I call it like I see it - my husband's cheap (which, ironically, you can't say about a virgin). So naturally, being married to a penny-pincher, there are certain things in our married life that reflect his extra tight grip on the wallet. One of them is our cable service.
We have "basic cable" - not even "standard cable" - basic. No HBO or Cinemax for us. I've made the discovery that we don't have Discovery, it's no laughing matter that we can't get Comedy Central - I can't even get my MTV. I am lucky if I can get to watch Scott Baio in any number of reruns of Happy Days, Joannie Loves Chachi, Diagnosis Murder or my personal favorite - Charles in Charge. TV THEME SONG BREAK!......"A new boy in the neighborhood, lives downstairs and it's understood. He's there just to take good care of me, like he's one of the family....CHARLES IN CHARGE of our days and our nights, CHARLES IN CHARGE of our wrongs and our rights. And I see, I want CHARLES IN CHARGE OF ME!"
Ahhhh, that was fun.... now where were we? Oh yes, cheap cable. We have the TV version of AM radio. To be perfectly honest with you, it really doesn't bother me. I figure, the more channels we have, the more crap we have to choose from. As such, in having cheap, cheap cable, I am obviously out of the loop in regards to the latest trend towards reality shows. The newlyweds, Nick and Jessica, have not crossed the threshold of our home. Queer Eye has not had an influence on my fashion-challenged husband - although, every time I catch him wearing his shorts with tube socks and stark white sneakers, I threaten to call the Fab Five for an emergency make-over. However, they say that necessity is the mother of invention (or the root of all evil.... something like that), so I have found my own Cheap Cable Reality Stars.
My first reality star I discovered while flipping through my oh-so-few channels can be seen on that widely-viewed network - EWTN. That's right - Catholic TV. There you will find the cutest little nun since Sally Field flew across our TV screens. Mother Angelica is a sweet little old lady whose face reminds me of one of those baked-apple dolls you see in gift shops. Now I must admit that my Catholic up-bringing might be shedding a bias on my opinion, but as she sits in her wooden chair giving her viewers spiritual counsel with a little bit of spunk in her voice, I am completely mesmerized. Mother Angelica has been plagued by recurring minor strokes and so during some of her telecasts, she wears an eye patch and becomes.......Pirate Nun - Arrrrrrr!
Okay, I am so completely going to Hell for that statement. I'm going to go say 3 "Hail Mary's" and 2 "Our Father's".
My next cheap cable reality star likes to hang out with the stars - literally. Jack Horkheimer is better known as the Star Gazer and can be seen on PBS during a night of insomnia or nursing an infant (which is how I discovered him). Actually, he used to be known as the Star Hustler and dressed the part - gold chains and all - until political correctness took over. Now he just wears polyester sweat suits ala Tony Soprano. There are so many things I like about this guy - the first being his name. Jack Horkheimer - sounds like something that you would order at the deli. "I'll have a pound of Jack Horkheimer - shaved, not sliced." Next, is his obvious love for the science of Astronomy. This guy is way too excited about telling the audience where they can find Uranus in the night sky. My guess is that it would be most visible during a full moon, but I'm no expert (hee, hee!) Mr. Horkheimer delivers his nightly star-gazing reports with a wild-eyed smile and a raspy voice reminiscent of Harvey Feinstein as he leaps from planet to planet on his green screen set. He even has a signature sign-off, "Keep looking up!" which I think beat out Jack's first choice of, "Horkheimer Out!"
Ooohh! Gotta go - informercial guru Don Lapre is on TV telling me how I can get rich enough to upgrade my cable service.
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3 comments:
Thanks for my daily laugh! I cracked up with the pirate nun. I just got a copy of Yellowbeard, and my son keeps walking through the house saying "Now where's my pirating outfit" He's 14 and has never seen some of the funnier movies from my youth. He is now a fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Young Frankenstein, and now Yellowbeard.
You are so funny! I have always been pretty frugal..possibly the single mom syndrome just stayed on...long after it had to at times..TV is really no big deal to me and when mine went, I just put the little 13 inch into the giant hole in the entertainment center and never gave it a thought...until one of my kid's new boyfriends came to pay a visit a couple of years ago. Their plans were to watch a rent a movie. He was apalled! I laughed. I still didn't buy a new one. My parents were even apalled and ended up buying me a big girl TV that Christmas. Funny stuff!
Your too funny! ...Whenever I visit my friend in the States I'm in awe of all the 500 plus TV stations that are offered..Here in Canada we miss out on everything..HBO,Tivo,etc..
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