A Creative Use For Old Cell Phones

I heard a news report the other day that environmentalists are looking for ways to recycle the over-abundance of old cell phones that have been discarded for the latest and greatest in technology. I, as always, am here to help.

Many of us have come in to contact with those mentally troubled people on the street having conversations with themselves and with nobody in particular. They are often subjected to our scorn, fear and ridicule - "Hey, look at that nutty guy talking to the invisible rabbit!" Why should these people be discriminated against just because we can't see the object they are dialoging with? My solution - just give them an old cell phone! Now these dementia patients can fit right in with the rest of society. Instead of us thinking that they are insane, we'll just think that they are conducting a highly productive business deal with their stock broker named "Harvey".

Yes, discrimination against the mentally challenged cured with just a simple cell phone. My campaign can be called - Cell Phones for the Insane. That's making technology work for the greater good.

How To Win at Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

I think that you could completely annihilate the game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and link him to every actor that ever existed if you put Kevin Bacon in the same movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Jude Law. GAME OVER! Why are these three particular actors the hottest thing in show biz lately? Get me their agent!

Talking To Myself

Well, after reading though countless blog-sites, I have decided that blogging is just a high-tech form of talking to yourself. Very few of the blogger's posts have comments after them so it's just a bunch of us ranting to ourselves about anything from being a Jewish vegetarian to being a gay Quaker - REALLY!

What is a gay Quaker? Isn't that an oxymoron? Would you be a homosexual who walks around with guilt and self-loathing? Instead of "gay pride", you'd have "gay guilt" and have to wear a scarlet letter "G" on your chest. I don't know, those two words just shouldn't go together.

I myself am neither gay, Jewish, a Quaker nor a vegetarian. I considered being a vegetarian, but the smell of a good steak is just too tempting. I belong to PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals. (I can't take credit for that one - saw it on a bumper sticker which is where I get most of my mottos) This gets me to thinking - If you are what you eat and you eat a lot of poultry and pork, are you then a pig who flys?

I also have a friend who converted to Judaism right before her wedding but still wanted the song Ave Maria played at the Ceremony. I suggested that she switch it to Oy Vay Maria (excuse my spelling of yiddish words - like I said, I'm not Jewish) but the bride did not think it was funny. The organ player, however, thought it was hilarious.

Michael Jackson

Oh, I know everybody has something to say about Michael Jackson, but mine is just a quick observation about the proceedings of this morning's "Is he going to show up or be arrested" drama.

If the nation was made to sit through how many hours of watching O.J. Simpson's white Ford Bronco maneuver through traffic via an array of helicopter camera angles, then why couldn't the press figure out how to put a single traffic helicopter in the air to find Michael's entourage of black SUV's in order to report how close he was to the courthouse? They could have even jazzed it up with a little clock timer in the corner of the screen counting down how much time remained until Michael's arrest warrant would be issued. This would have been a lot more riveting than watching Michael's attorney pace back and forth looking at his watch and talking on his cell phone.

Ohhhh! I even thought of a good headline - Michael's Pain in the Back Causes Pain in the Neck for Trial Judge

Now why am I not in charge of everything ?

My title choice - an explanation

You know how some people sing better when they are in the shower (which might explain some of the deluded audition participants on American Idol)? Well, I seem to do my best comedic observations sitting down. I also prefer to hide behind the veil of my office chair and computer screen than put it all out there on stage with a bright light and a microphone stand.

Oh, I have secret ambitions of one day being discovered at a comedy club's amateur night, given my own HBO special, and then television series; but until I get my nerve up I'll just have to go on watching Last Comic Standing and yelling at the TV that I am way, way funnier than Dat Phan.